Keep Your Head Up

Talk about knowing how to ring in a new year. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital on January 1^stand spent the first days of 2015 staring at the orange walls of a tiny room. On the eve of 2016, Ben was in Greece on tour so my girlfriend and I went out for dinner while the in-laws watched the kids. As the meal progressed, however, I felt continually feverish. By the time we returned to the house, I was a total write-off and went to bed in tears, leaving Audrey, who was recovering from Hand-foot and mouth disease (HFM) in the arms of her grandparents. As it would turn out, I had tonsillitis and later in the week also succumbed to HFM, which very rarely affects adults…lucky me. Jakob and Ella both had fevers, but I think it was just their bodies fighting off all of the germies floating around our house.

Meanwhile, Ben was scheduled to arrive home on January 3^rd – a day we were all looking forward to. A mechanical problem with the plane in Athens however, delayed the first leg of their trip by 12 hours. Once they finally made it to Paris, where they were suppose to catch their connecting flight to Amsterdam and then onto Edmonton, they were told there were no more flights that day. Needless to say, it made for a very exciting 36 hours for Ben and a very impatient and anxious wife and mommy. He finally made it home late at night, on January 4^th.

I won’t bore you with anymore details but let’s just say, the Ewerts will be coming late to the 2016 party…I guess we like to make an entrance.

I have been giving some serious thought to resolutions I would like to make for 2016. The word “resolution” generally has connotations of failure and empty ambition but I see it as another word for goals. I am a goal-setter. I think it is important to always be trying to improve oneself. I would like to think that I am always working towards being a better person and goals help me to do that. I do not, however, wear my goals like ten-tonne weights. They are simply guides. I should also say that this year, I am particularly concerned about goals because I will be going back to work shortly and need to know what my values are as I determine what type of work I should be doing.

As mentioned in a post before Christmas, as of late, I have been reading “The Happiness Project”. When I tell people this, more often than not I have had a negative reaction – not to the fact that I am reading it but to the book itself. Is it revolutionary? No. Is it for everyone? No. But I appreciate Rubin because she is a researcher and clinical (appeals to the green, if you know what I mean) and I am clinical. I, perhaps, do not have as many star sticker charts as she does but I appreciate that she has tried to break down areas of improvement with small achievable and measurable tasks. It makes the Everest of self-improvement a bit more attainable. One step at a time, one peak at a time right? The book has provided a new springboard from which to launch my thinking about goals, values and priorities. This is another article that has made quite an imprint on my mind as I think about these things – don’t mind the language as he makes some very good points.

When I glance from a distance over the landscape of 2016, I note two things.

There is relatively no change on the horizon

Unlike last year, 2016 holds relatively few changes (that I know of anyway). On New Years Eve I was reading through my journal entries from the same time last year. They were dark. While there was the anticipation of a new baby, there was also the knowledge that other BIG changes were brewing and upon entering 2015, I hoped for contentment at most. I was regretting decisions I had made in 2014, I was disparaged and full of hopelessness. I couldn’t see how to facilitate improvement, let alone keep from crumbling on a constantly shifting foundation. It would be like trying to build a Cathedral on a bowl full of jelly.

As I enter 2016, I know, that pending any unforeseen circumstances, I will be in the same house for the duration of the year. Ben will continue to work on doctoral studies, the kids will finish the existing school year and start a new one at the same schools and once I start work, I will continue in that work until 2017. As far as I know, our family unit will remain as is. Winter will melt into spring, spring will bloom into summer, summer will fade into autumn and autumn will fall into winter. There is comfort in this.

If I am going to conquer the summit, I have to take myself seriously.

I don’t take myself seriously. I never have – not as a blogger, writer, photographer, or even as an adult. I have always struggled with writing because a little voice in my head pesters saying, “What right do you have to say these things? What kind of authority are you? You don’t have any credentials, or qualifications.” This may be true. I don’t have an English Lit degree, in fact, I almost got kicked out of my English lit class for being too controversial. And I didn’t go to school for design or photography but I do know what looks good. I have a natural curiosity for many, many things and often curiosity is the best teacher. In 2016, no matter what I do, I would like to take myself seriously. I think only then will I be able to get over the rough patches and see what I do as legitimate…even if it is decoupage.

I’ll leave you with this. I love Ben Howard and I think maybe I have found my 2016 theme song…

I spent my time watchin’ the spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best or the scars that come with the greeness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom, still the seabed wouldn’t let me in,
And I tried my best to embrace the darkness in which I swim.

I’m walkin’ back down this mountain
With the strength of a turnin’ tide
Oh the wind’s so soft on my skin,
The sun so hard upon my side.
Oh lookin’ out at this happiness,
I search for between the sheets.
Oh feelin’ blind and realize,
All I was searchin’ for was me.
Ooh all I was searchin’ for was me.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my my darlin’ keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.

I saw a friend of mine the other day,
And he told me that my eyes were gleamin’.
Oh I said I had been away, and he knew,
Oh he knew the depths I was meanin’.
And it felt so good to see his face,
Or the comfort invested in my soul.
Oh to feel the warmth of a smile,
When he said “I’m happy to have you home.
Ooh I’m happy to have you home.”

Yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep you hair long.
Oh my my darlin’, keep your head up, keep you heart strong.
No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways,
Keep your heart strong.
‘Cause I’ll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.

May you find happiness there,
May all your hopes all turn out right.
Ooh may you find happiness there,
May you find warmth in the middle of the night.