Sometimes, you settle into your sadness. You let all the colours and shades wash over your palette and try to make sense of it all. You give expression to the abstract heaviness that settles in your chest. Tears gather just below the surface while words well up inside. You find poetry in the full spectrum of your soul. Then, there are other times. Times when the grief is too much to handle and you instead, suppress it with dark chocolate, red wine and Netflix or whatever your vice may be.
I am bracing from impact. The impact of nothingness and yet, even without the actual disappointment my heart is in angst with the anticipation of it. I wonder if I will make it out in one piece or simply as a murkier, faded, and slightly hollow version of myself.
What is the meaning of life? Perhaps for some Christians this is an even harder quandary because we are supposed to know the answer. “To bring glory to God” but what happens when you feel as though God hates you?
We’re in this place again – a place we know all too well. Ben and I are no strangers to disappointment. Those who are closest to us know that most of our married life has been spent in seemingly endless valleys and while you would think that we would be used to it by now, the truth is: it never gets easier. Each time you feel forsaken, forgotten and that you just aren’t enough. You wonder what you’ve done to step out of God’s favour or at least, that’s the way I feel. And the bigger the hope or confidence that something good will happen, that the storm clouds will finally break…
the greater the disappointment when they don’t, and instead, the thunder rolls. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe you are in a valley too. Maybe you’ve been hoping and praying and begging with God or the universe that your stars would change.
A little while ago, I alluded in this post that we would be moving. Since then, many have naturally asked “why” and “where to?” The “why” is easy – our landlord possibly wants to sell her house…or move back into it…She actually doesn’t know at this point, but either way, it would be easier if we were not here. The problem of “where to” presents a bit of a problem however. In the past, I would always have a solid back up plan so if what we dreamed of didn’t come true (which has always been the case) we would always have a plan: a roof over our head and some form of income. But this time we are jumping off the end of the cliff and hoping we do not end up in a pile of boulders – battered, bruised and bitter.
We have played over many different scenarios and to be honest none of them feel quite right and for the first time we are truly, madly, deeply trusting that God will open the right door and it will be so obvious that any idiot would be able to recognize that it is the way we should go.
The problem is however, that I have a dysfunctional relationship with God. Obedience is not out of love but out of resignation and I FEAR His will. I do not trust that blessing will come. Rather, I expect trials – dark and over-gown paths as opposed to open sunny meadows. But more than that, based on a decade of darkness, I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do to change God’s will. It doesn’t matter how hard I pray, or who I get to pray for me, or how hard I work, or how hard Ben works, or how pure our hearts are, or how obedient we are…our fate is not in our hands. Furthermore, God does not promise blessing this side of heaven. The Israelites wandered the dessert for 40 years and many of them died before even reaching the promise land.
We may struggle our entire lives. Ben may be kept from fulfilling his passion in an occupational capacity for his entire life. The one and single thing we feel called to outside of our children may never be a reality. We may struggle financially for our entire lives. We may be underemployed or unemployed until the day we die. No promises. That being said, money has so little to do with it because fulfilling a vocational calling in an employed (paying) setting is not something money can buy and should we have the opportunity, money would not be an issue. Trust me. Some of you know what I’m talking about. Others stopped reading a long time ago because we don’t like these types of stories. We like stories with resolution and redemption.
So why I am I sharing this?
Because, I know I’m not the only one who feels like they are in a valley and us valley-dwellers need to stick together. Because when all you hear are stories of redemption, where everyone lives happily ever after, you feel like something is wrong with you and you want to hide but that’s not true and we can’t hide because the world keeps turning, and we have to keep turning with it.
I also wanted to write before I knew the outcome. I want to remember these moments. I don’t know what will happen in three weeks when we put all of our stuff into storage and wait to hear from God. I don’t know if I will be weeping with joy or weeping with grief. I don’t know if I will finally be able to settle somewhere, build a home, invest in friendship and invest in myself (this is code for: finally get counseling and sort out some of my shit). We have lived in such a temporary state for so long, moving from place to place, that I have little show for the past five years. Despite efforts to dive right in, bloom where I’m planted, make friends and contribute to my community, I feel like if we left, only Ella would be missed because somehow she transcends all human inhibitions.
If we stay…
I don’t know what if we stay. It’s simply a layover until we start the job-hunting process again in the spring and pray and hope for blessing again, as always.
5 Comments
Krista, I resonate with your position!We have also been in a seemingly constant state of shifting! I will be praying for your family as you discern, pray and decide what and where is next.
Krista, I wish that I knew what to say to help you, even though I know that is not what you are looking for.
I also only know you from your blog posts, so obviously that is only a small snapshot of a few slices of your life. But I can say that I admire how much you care for your children and family. I loved reading about the book that you wrote.
I know it’s not much, but if you want to email me your snail mail address, I’d love to send you one of my handmade cards to give you a little happy mail. *hugs, prayers and love to you*
hi Krista,
I appreciate your honesty in this article. As a fellow believer in Jesus/Yeshua, I want to encourage you that there are so many blessings for us! Ecclesiastes 12:13 says that to fear God and keep His commandments is the whole duty of man. I can testify that my husband and four children started taking this verse (and others) more seriously about 6 years ago, and we have been SO blessed! I am happy to share more with you if you would like. Praying for peace and blessing as you make your way through these next few weeks and months.
I have to admit that I go the other way from most of your followers – life was easier when I abandoned my traditional belief and when God was neither going to save with blessing and answer nor smite with hardship. I get though that mentality as I was in it and I understand the importance. But for myself personally, life became infinitely better when my faith transitioned into a untypical almost atheistic view yet not – woth loads of philosophy and theology research – to come to a place where I realized goodness and hardship come to us all regardless of faith – and some more than others… but it was such a relief to not blame someone who I thought was supposed to take care of me or have the answers. That used to be my only comfort in my older faith stance and I thought losing it would break me but it was exactly the opposite. Life is now gentler, ironically more full of grace and compassion and mercy even though it would be considered by most I know as sinful, unsanctified, and leading others astray simply by writing this. I know al the moves as I was on that chess board. I’m not saying abandon faith as I firmly believe each person must find their own balance and this can look vastly different from person to person… but I’m hopefully encouraging the fact that even with the god u speak of, out of the box of belief personally, it has been less gut wrenching and more of a grace filled acceptance. When we lived this way we started making tougher choices , some considered immensely selfish in our old circles, and became much happier and healthier in life and ironically able to give to those who were closest to us. Life still gave some tough tough things but we relied on what we built and things had a way of working combined with gritty choices, controversial living and constant personal questioning… but that was our path and not for all… it’s a minority stance and I am writing this comment anonymously cuz I know how it will come across to the readers of your space – ( sinful, misleading, taking your vulnerable self away from the god u need ect.) which is not intended at all but giving another view.
That said, life can still be exceptionally hard and I do hope you find the silver linning choices and force a way … maybe have your husband take his job as a hobby for a short term and take a 9-5 just for a short term in a different lace u find roots and hope the hobby eventually gets recognized as a job opportunity later – but choose the roots instead? Or if that’s not an option than if you are choosing the ‘calling’ that that is the ultimate choice so forgoing the roots happily cuz it’s best for all involved and not just one. There are many ways to slice it but we all end up choosing what is most important to us in the end by default because no one can stop us from living out our virtues or engrained beliefs barring short term circumstances) whether it’s secretly status, a job, a home, a family, finances, perception of a certain way of living) and if we don’t choose what aligns in us truly in the end suffering is magnified. Of course, this applies differently in different contexts… I would never say this to a slave in a third world country who only has the choice of inner attitude – a good book on this topic is Viktor Frankles short book Mans Search for meaning. He was psychologist in the prisoner of war camps in ww2 and it’s an amazing and heart rendering book on this topic that helped change my life and the decisions I make.
This year was hell for us so I’m not saying this makes it any better but I still know deep down I am living what is dearest to my heart with my share of hardships. I’ve suffered depression and dark dark darkness at some points but yet there is always hope, reason, gratitude and pockets of sudden moments that feel normal ish… whatever that is. So I’m not saying your feelings are not legitimate and u need more faith or bible verses or a better attitude as I believe those generally make a person feel worse. I’m saying , in the end, even if it may feel selfish, talk to your spouse and find ways you both can live dreams – even ordinary ones like being rooted enough to get counselling ( a very good idea that should be implemented no matter where u are ) or living near a beloved ocean even if it means a job for him that may not be in his talents for a few years as it sounds like you have given him time to pursue dreams and a dream of constancy and home is no less worthy…
I hope sunshine follows this season of rain and regardless pockets of freedom, hope and belonging shine through. Your a fighter so fight for what you know deep down you and your children need. It’s hard to fight when life throws so many unforeseen moments but sometimes we must.
With love from a fellow fighter
Oh Krista, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was something I could write that would part the clouds or bring ultimate joy. I’m thinking of you and praying the Lord speaks to you as you walk through this valley.