Three babies, three different ways – never straight forward. One day, when this little one is safely in my arms I will tell you all about it but for now, let me say that I find it very strange that if, hypothetically speaking, a mother were to design birth announcements in advance, agonizing over which font perfectly reflects the personality of her unborn child and mulling over a colour palette, that not only could she fill in the date of her baby’s birth but time as well…not that any lunatic design minded person would do that…
Tomorrow, I will have had three appointments in one week – OB, GP and Anesthesiologist. It’s a good thing my doctor told me to stop working because quite frankly, I don’t have time between ultrasounds, steroid shots, and doctor’s appointments. What a different and surreal experience. I found myself a bit shell shocked after my OB appointment – I guess I just wasn’t expecting to have to answer questions like, “How do you feel about a hysterectomy? Better to decide now than in the OR.” This is all so new and quite frankly, scary. I know how to give birth and this ain’t it. But no, this is it. This is how our girl will make her arrival. I will show up on the day they tell me. I won’t go into labour, my water won’t break (not that it ever does), I won’t have any contractions and yet, for the first time, I will have drugs and in a matter of minutes, I will have a little baby. Until then, I have to sit…it’s kinda like trying to pin down a cloud.
This is hard. In fact, it kinda just sucks. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to sit and watch as my children have to entertain themselves while it is sunny outside and I hate that all I can do is get angry when Ella goes from fridge to counter to getting into Jakob’s toys, to getting into anything and everything she is not supposed to. I hate getting impatient I get because I can’t do anything but sit. I want to go for a walk. I want to clean my house. I want to organize stuff. I want to play with my children. I want to take them for a bike ride. I want to cook meals. I want to nest. I want to bake cookies…but I also want this baby to come in four weeks rather than this week and I don’t want to be laid up in a hospital bed.
There I said it.
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