Did you know that once upon a time this blog was called “The Pursuit of Truth”? It was where I would ramble on in the pursuit of truth, as opposed to just posting cute pics and giving Ewert family updates.
14 people read my first post.
Over 400 posts and 250K views later – how time flies and oh, how this space has changed, much like I have, for better or worse . But one thing remains, I still pursue truth – passionately, deeply, wholly. And sometimes in that pursuit, my worst enemy and greatest foe is
myself.
Conversations with myself on money.
Krista, you are such a failure. You fail at everything.
Not everything. I’m here aren’t I? I have beautiful, healthy children.
Yeah, but that isn’t you. That is totally out of your control. You are poor, you don’t make enough, you don’t save enough, you get sucked in and waste your money away, disillusioned by the hope that one day it will get better.
True, but what other choice do I have. And I have managed to save some.
But you have debt
But it is good debt.
You don’t commit to things and that is why you fail and it is a waste. You shouldn’t do things unless they bring financial return. You need it right now. Maybe later in your life you can do things like go our for a birthday dinner or take Cello lessons but what good is that going to do right now.
I need a glass of wine.
But that would cost money and you don’t have any. You are supposed to be putting your child tax benefit towards your kid’s education.
But isn’t it more important that they eat? And be able to do things like take music lessons and ballet lessons.
You are poor! You aren’t allowed such luxuries when you are poor.
The next thing you are going to say is that there are children starving in Africa.
Well there are. You are rich compared to them and yet all you do is complain that you don’t make enough money.
Yes, but they don’t pay two grand in rent.
Yeah, because they live in a mud hut.
Well, last time I checked there weren’t any mud huts for rent in Vancouver.
You could rent cheaper in the suburbs.
Yes, but then I would spend way more on transit and never see my kids.
You are poor! You don’t have the luxury of choices.
But why are we so poor? We try to be generous and give back what we make.
Really? Do you? Do you give enough? You should give more.
And yet shouldn’t I make sure my kids are fed and clothed before I give more?
What are you talking about? Your kids eat fine and have more clothes than they know what to do with. If you didn’t eat organic. You know, you can buy a box of Kraft dinner for a dollar: less if you buy the generic kind.
But I want my kids to be healthy.
You’re Poor! You don’t have the luxury of health.
They say, either you have to spend less or make more, but there is no way to make more. I am maxed out.
Then Ben should work more.
But he can’t find any work.
There is always Starbucks.
We didn’t go all the way to Cambridge for him to work at Starbucks! Besides, then we would have to first find childcare and then give most, if not all of his earnings to the cost of said childcare.
Those are all excuses. Why can’t you just get it together like everyone else?
What if….
What if we never left our little condo in Ladner. What if we never went to Cambridge? What if we never came home? What if we never had kids? What if we didn’t go to college? What if, what if what if.
There you have it. Is this the sort of thing you aren’t supposed to share? I’m not being very British am I? Well, I suppose, at least I’m not saying it in person. What do you do when your mind becomes your own worst enemy? So often, I find that it is I, me, myself, is the greatest thing standing between me, and gratitude for this one. beautiful. life.
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