I love New Years….usually. The idea of a new year and a fresh start brings anticipation and excitement. I am one of those people who make resolutions and pick a phrase to give momentum off the start line.
But this year…
This year, I am not convinced. I am wary of what the year holds and am fearful to hope for much.
Last year, I mustered all the optimism I had in me and said that 2013 was “our year” but I was wrong. It was harder than the year before, full of waiting, wishing, and disappointment with little comfort and little grace.
But the truth is, is that all you can really do is hope. Because without hope why would anyone want to go on living. All you can really do is tell yourself that things will get better because without that life would be unbearable. And while I still keep hope hidden somewhere in the depths of my soul, I feel as though, survival would be sufficient. I see no prospect of spiritual renewal, personal growth or that God will provide the job we have been waiting and searching for for two years and everything that comes along with having enough income to make life work.
Instead of the fresh start that I revel in, I will spend New Years day frantically trying to tie up loose ends from the year before.
And if all of this sounds just too depressing for all of you let me say this. Sometimes things don’t happen in one explosive firework of blessing. Sometimes you run into the ocean and sometimes you wade in 1 foot at a time until your body acclimatizes to the frigid temperatures. We don’t all have this moment where everything changes and life suddenly gets better or have a revelation that brings healing. Sometimes healing is slow and you wander in the dessert for 40 years before you reach the promise land. And quite frankly, sometimes, you don’t even make it to the promise land.
So as I head into 2014, for possibly the first time in my life, I am wading into a new year – cautious and guarded.