Desires can be confusing. I desire a lot of things…well, not so much “things” as one particular way of feeling, which I have convinced myself, can be fostered by surrounding myself with particular types of people and engaging myself in particular types of habits – habits like reading my bible, spending time in silence, creating music, art, delicious food and of course, ensuring that absolutely everything that I do, wear and say endorses the Krista Lee Ewert brand. Okay, well, maybe I got a bit carried away there but you get my point. The little Baptist girl in me, however, says that these desires are wrong. That in subscribing to a certain mantra or desiring beautiful things, or conforming to one particular worldview, I am, in fact, “of the world” or worldly. In essence, all I truly desire is a deep and intimate connection with my God. The God. And to live out my entire being as an act of worship. But the mere fact that I am trying to be something, ignites this guilt inside me. This same guilt creeps in whenever I consider making more money than I already do. The irony is that I don’t actually make enough to support my modest lifestyle and am a socialist…then again, perhaps my poverty is what fuels my socialism. I don’t believe that anything that I desire is innately wrong. How do we determine which desires are from God and which are bred out of sinful nature? I buy clothes that “resonate” with me – that are my “style” and the ones I can’t afford, I pin on my Pinterest board. Is this wrong? Is this sinful that I have more than one shirt? I don’t want to have to work so hard or so long, so that I actually have time to be inspired and create. Is this wrong? Is this me being a sluggard? And when I do have to work, I want a job that is not only fulfilling but an expression of who I am so that the line between work and play is non-existent and I still receive a pay cheque at the end of the month.
“Are you crazy!?” Our parents would say…and herein lies the source spring of my guilt. Our parents did what they had to. They graduated from highschool or college, if they were lucky and got a job and stuck with that job come hell or high water to make a living and save for their retirement. God forbid they not have a comfortable retirement! So they worked during the day, and came home at 5 to be whoever it was that they really were. The odd thing about this is, when asked, “Who is Joe?” the reply would be, “Well, Joe is an electrician.” “What do you do” has become synonymous with “Who are you?”
We, meaning Christians as a whole, have created neat little compartments for our lives. One compartment is for our jobs – the place we go to earn money. One compartment is for our finances – we don’t talk about this compartment at our jobs nor do we talk about this anywhere else, including when we are focusing on compartment number three, which is religion. We have come to believe that compartments should not overflow into one another and therefore our religion should not speak into our financial decisions, our job choices or weather or not we buy fair trade products.
“Holistic” has become a four-letter word in some Christian circles but I believe this is exactly what God is calling us to when he says to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.”(Matt. 22:37) Recently, as you can probably tell, I am wrestling with how to reconcile all the many parts of my life and the many aspects of who I am. I want to live wholeheartedly. I want to worship wholeheartedly.
I felt like this weekend represented the random kaleidoscope that is my life:
Friday morning Ella and I headed out to the Down Syndrome Researchfoundation where Ella has started the Early Reading program. In the evening, the University Community Children’s Choir had their spring concert. Ben conducted and Jakob sang and I played mom, referee, decorator and communications manager. The concert was fantastic and the kids did an amazing job.
Saturday morning, the kids and I headed out to A Rocha for volunteer day. I have started helping them out as their Online Content Curator so wanted to take some photos of volunteers in action. Many people wondered why I would add something more to my plate but the reality is, is that A Rocha has always had a special place in my heart for the exact reasons mentioned above. I believe God has called us to care for creation, not just consume it. I love what they do, I love what they stand for. I am not a biologist however, so the opportunities were limited. When I saw the posting for something in the communications field I prayed hard about it. Let’s be honest, my plate is already way too full and for a while, I was having a really hard time accepting my skills in the areas of graphic design and social media. I thought, I am an intellectual. If I am going to change the world, it will be after I complete my MA in history and become a disability rights lawyer. I felt that kingdom work did not include graphic design and certainly not social media. But sometimes…you have to bloom where you are planted and for now, this is where I am planted, so I submitted my application.
And I am so glad I did. Not only because I feel like I am part of something amazing but because my kids get the opportunity to also be a part of it too. It is something we can do as a family and that is what I feel is missing in so many families in North America – Life lived together.
After A Rocha, we went straight to a birthday party for one of Ella’s friends…who happens to have Down Syndrome. There were other children there….who happened to have Down Syndrome, and it is funny, because while it seems perfectly normal to us…let’s just say, I never attended those types of parties when I was little.
We headed back home to prepare for friends who were coming to our home for dinner. It was lovely.
Sunday brings other hats to wear. In the mornings, I run a Sunday school program. This includes everything from teaching lessons, to scheduling to leadership training. Because I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck (otherwise known as the common cold), Ben took Ella to ballet in the afternoon so I could have some rest (which otherwise never happens, especially on Sundays).
Finally, Sunday evening we went to an Ordination service (where people become ordained as priests) at which, one of Ben’s choirs was singing and I was taking photos for my other job – you know, the one that takes up the most of my time and gives me proper medical benefits.
All good stuff. It was a good weekend. But you can see why the line
Occupation: ____________________________________________
scares the sh*t out of me. Usually it ends up looking like this:
Occupation: mother, wife of a musician, ministry support, communications, graphic design, photographer, online content curator, stella and dot stylist, director of children’s ministry special needs advocate student BEING AWESOME!
I want to live wholeheartedly. I want to worship wholeheartedly. Without burning out. So tell, me, what helps you stay balanced and living a holistic life?
balance
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Family
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motherhood
/
Time
/
Wholehearted Living
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