Lately, the posts have been short and image based and I never quite felt that there was room to suddenly transition into the thicker stuff that has been going on in my life lately. But the fact of the matter, is that there has been a lot of it. Issues that battle within my heart and I can’t seem to straighten out, issues that make me feel alone and vulnerable.
It all hinges on the fact that we are selling out house. It’s becoming less of a secret so here it is: a move for us seems inevitable. Ben wants to go on and do his Masters and that is just not possible from where we are. Whether that happens soon or later – we don’t know and it is this uncertainty that brings my world crashing down. But I think a lot about where would be best for me and for the kids.
Part of me just wants to stay put, build up some more equity and enjoy the life we have built in this quiet rural town. It seems that just as soon as we get the hang of life, we are uprooted and forced to figure out a whole new way of life.
I finally am getting into a groove with Miss Ella Bella. Its not ideal but we make the hour and half drive to Calgary twice a week for her programs, have hired a Developmental aid, are just waiting to create an individualized program plan (which we need to officially have a DA) and have set up a contract with FSCD, which is a big deal considering it means we will finally get partly reimbursed for our numerous trips to the city, parking, etc. (It only took up 20 months to finally get a contract-partly because they INSIST on doing everything by snail mail and partly because the social worker only works PT and correspondence is limited) I also am in a happy place with her therapy. I have mentioned before how much we love Anita, our PT and have decided to go with PREP for her speech (I am working on finding someone to complain to about Big Country Outreach and their appalling SLP-after 5 messages with no returned call and 2 cancelled sessions, I am done with her.)
As you can see there are still major gaps in our system and there are a lot of services that I am thankful are not imperative to Ella’s development that we are not accessing. I had written a post call ignorance is bliss and I am still feeling the same way. I cannot imagine that this is the best way. We live in Canada! One of the best health care systems in the world…I don’t really know if it is one of the best but its public and everyone supposedly has equal access.
And here is the kicker….if we move, even move provinces, we may as well be moving to a different country. Our basic health care is different, our health insurance is different, FSCD is an Alberta thing (I don’t even know if they have funding in other parts of the country), the way that we access therapy is different, there is no PREP. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. It has taken me 20 months to finally figure it out and I don’t want to spend another 20 months figuring out a different system.
Which brings me to a pitiful reason that sometimes makes me think we should stay. There is a family that just moved to town from another province. They have a little girl…..named Ella…..with Down Syndrome. And I can save them 20 months of research, paperwork and the other so that they can just get on with providing the best available to their daughter. We could possibly commute into the city and I would have a companion on this journey and vice versus.
The other huge factor ( to me) is giving up the title of homeowner. I feel like this is my trump card and I am not ready to play it. To me, it has huge implications. This is probably in part, because I grew up in the Lower mainland of BC, where to buy a house, you need at least 50K down and $7500 in monthly income to qualify for a mortgage. Your only saving grace is equity and if I play that card now, I feel like home ownership with be a LONG way down the road. And then we will not have that trump card to say, fund a doctorate, or an adoption, or anything else.
So lets talk about adoption for a minute. I think I am going to have to defriend Andrea Roberts on facebook because quite frankly, I can’t look at all the RR kids anymore. My heart aches for them and I know that I could provide so much more than they could ever imagine as they sit in an orphanage, neglected. We want to add to our family and I couldn’t imagine a better way. But here is what I know: I know that if this were ever to be a possibility, Ben would need to feel the same call and we would need to be in a secure place. Adoption is hard and like raising any child, sometimes it goes incredibly well and sometimes there are bumps along the way. And chances are, adopting a child with special needs is going to not only cause bumps but also hurdles. So I keep this desire in a special place in my heart and wait.
Well, even though there is so much more, like the paralysis that overtakes my body when I hear about the passing of one of our kids, or the enduring desire to love nurture and parent these special children despite the possibility of such things, I will call it quits here because light is filling the sky and the kids are getting restless and right now, in this moment I need to cherish what God has given me now.
He has given me two beautiful children who are amazing in spirit and soul
He has given me a wonderful husband who seeks His will and desires to be the best that he can be
He has given me a warm home (with a new coffee maker-thanks mom)
He has given me sunshine
He has given me food to put on my table, and clothes to cover my body
He has given me access to all of the things I need to keep my family healthy and thriving and
He has given me ONE BEAUTIFUL LIFE to live for His glory.