Today was one of those days. The kind where you need a big bottle of happy pills in order to keep you from smashing your fist into your computer that will not create PDF’s….okay, so that was my struggle today. I knew it this morning on our hour and a half drive into the city for Ella’s PREP class. And then again on the way out when CBC just wasn’t cutting it (it’s pretty hard to get annoyed at PREP-Ella has a blast and I don’t have to run or plan it). Maybe it was too much Wolfgang and not enough Rachmoninoff but regardless, I was tired and uninspired. Usually, at any given time I have 500 ideas swarming around in my head, getting me excited and ready to go. Not today, and my state weakened as the afternoon progressed.
I am pretty sure it is just the beauty of womanly things but part of me wonders if it is because of severed relationship. I had a fight with someone yesterday…in my head – meaning I never verbally…or physically duked it out with this person but things were just not right and then I worked it up in my head to the point where the relationship is not where it should be. I am however, the best type of person to get in a fight with though because I don’t hold grudges, I just forget so I am sure it will soon fade. But the point is, I wonder if this severed relationship can have that much affect on my overall spirit.
The other aspect of this grumpy day that I found interesting was my reaction to ill-feelings. As soon as I had a free moment, I tidied the house and washed the floor. Cleaning gives the illusion of control. Nothing can break down while cleaning – watch now my vacuum will die. But in reality, my mop is pretty straight forward and it has nothing to do with my internet connection. And although children can undo what I am doing and often do, when evening comes and silence becomes them, aaaaahhhhhhhhh. Quiet, clean, calm.
Its in moments like these that I feel like I can gain a little perspective as I surf through my blogroll and read as parents try to make sense of those things that are out of their control. I don’t know what that is like. I am always reminded of a little 18 month old baby in our town that died last year. She needed a new liver. I try not to question the why but find myself thankful that I don’t have to think about how I would cope without God. I wouldn’t even know how to begin reasoning though the why’s and the how’s and the what if’s. God knows, and he has a plan. Right now I don’t curse the extra chromosome and pray I never have to. But I know that if it did come to that point God would give me the grace that I need in the moment I need it. And for this, I am thankful.
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