Updates.

Here we are.

I’m so tired. so. very. tired. It takes every ounce of energy to do the simplest of tasks and if I try to read, I have to read the same paragraph over about four times before I even begin to remotely comprehend what it said. It feels like I have given up the will to live fully, the will to press on, the will to achieve, the will to do anything other than exist.

It won’t last forever. I know it won’t

But right now, my body is telling me I need rest and at this point, there is nothing else to do but embrace it.

So, since I can’t peel my butt off this couch, I thought I would fill you in on some updates.

2014 hasn’t been all bad.

In fact, it’s kind of been nice…this whole given-up-on-life thing. I have been simmering many existential thoughts on ambition, purpose and communism, that I am sure I will eventually share with you.

I have done very little on my optimistic list of resolutions. But one thing I have managed to do, is go out for coffee with friends…for whom I am so very grateful. This morning, I met a friend at my favourite little Kitsilano nook and I took my camera with me. I so rarely take Audrey (the name I gave my camera) out with me anymore but when I do, she helps me to slow down, to notice light, detail, beauty.

Vancouver had been kissed by Jack Frost overnight and everything had a thin frosting.

While I was at work, Ben took Ella to the paediatrician. It’s that time again – annual blood work time when my breathe catches for a week while we wait to hopefully hear nothing. The c-word like a lead weight on my heart as I worry about something that hasn’t even happened. 

Otherwise Ella is doing well. I see her so little, it makes me sad. I hear she is doing well in school, however is pushing the boundaries these days: cheeky little monkey. We don’t have speech, or OT anymore because once we moved we were switched over to Centre For Ability and put on yet another wait list, which will probably never amount to anything because once Ella goes into kindergarten in September she will, yet again, be cut off. So now, if we want speech it is $125/hr out of our pocket (if we can find someone that will take her on), even though Ella is still way behind her peers in speech…and herein lies one of the many flaws of our “public” healthcare system. It doesn’t seem to bother her though – she knows how to get what she wants…which leads me to the dreaded pushing and hitting thing…it’s getting worse and I’m worried. We’re hoping we can nip this in the butt before she goes into kindergarten. 

Ella has started at a new dance school as well…I was so psyched about it and then last week was a total fail. She had an accident in the class and wouldn’t do what she was told. She responds really well to peer pressure but there is only her and one other girl in the class. I’m hoping this improves because the school specific uniform was ridiculously expensive. Other than that, Ella hangs out a lot with Daddy. This is bittersweet because we would really just rather Ben be able to find another job…yes, we’re still waiting…3 years later.

The thing about unemployment or underemployment is that it never goes away. The problems associated with it only get worse. You go further and further into your savings or debt and the heaviness of the burden does not gradually lift like it does when you mourn a different kind of loss.

Ben does have his Children’s Choirs but he gets paid for far less work than needs to be done to even keep the choir running and he doesn’t get paid for his other choir because he created it and like any business, investment is sometimes slow on return.

It seems so petty to complain about such things when we have the health of our children and each other, a roof over our heads, love in our hearts and food on the table, but sometimes, it makes our spirits low.

Jakob seems to be settling in at his new school. It did take some time. He was complaining a lot of being tired and bored but I think it was in part because he hadn’t really made friends. He told me yesterday that he plays with the older girls. He said this one girl really likes him and so lets him play with them (they play Butt’s Up – anyone remember that from elementary school? because I sure do, although I don’t think they call it that anymore.) So there we have it…already? should I be worried? I let him play a bit after school today so I could watch him. May he never read this…but it is hilarious! He was doing his Sonic run, bouncing around and trying to get in the game but most of the kids playing are so much bigger than he is. 

He continues with choir and let me tell you, it is so nice not to have to drive home to Ladner after practice at UBC. 15 minutes and we are in the door with supper on. And he is able to take violin lessons from his same teacher  just at the Vancouver Academy of Music instead of Delta Academy of Music. 

Jakob is a mystery to me. His mind functions in a way that mine never did. He is his father’s son. I want so badly to foster a love of life and experience in him but he is so cautious and embarrasses easily. He doesn’t like new things and wants to be sure of what to expect. I love him to pieces though. When he isn’t complaining or being a smart ass he can be such a wonderful, compassionate kid.

So there you have it. I want to share more about living in Kits – there is lots to say and lots to share. Our move into the city has been good I think. It hasn’t be revolutionary but I think day by day we are regaining our sanity. It’s hard not to view moving from a house to a small apartment as regression but the more I move the more I realize, it’s just a place to live. It’s not who I am, it is not a measure of how mature or grown-up I am and it is not a reflection of financial status…it’s just a place to live.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I know we are all facing our own myriad of worries, problems, heart ache and challenges, but I hope you find joy and peace this weekend no matter where you find yourself.