Big things and small things

When did life get so complicated?

This is kinda how I feel sometimes…..

I ask myself this question a lot.

Somewhere along the line all my passions, hopes and dreams went to war within me, settling in the pit of my stomach. I remember a time when I had no mortgage, no husband, no kids, no dog or any of the other things that make my life so rich – all I had to think about was poor old dispensable me. In retrospect life seemed so much simpler and yet I know it wasn’t.

All this to say, as much as cherish this one beautiful life and try to live in the moment I long for a simplicity.

I think simplicity is always there. It is always at the foundation of the hopes and dreams, responsibility and baggage that we have collected over the years. We just loose sight of it. And much like my basement, we need to sort through our collection, make homes for the things that stay, throw away the things that need to go and move on with renewed focus. We are approaching this time.

We listed our house for sale. This could be something or nothing at all – the market is slow here in Three Hills. Yesterday, though, I already felt a weight lifted. We bought this house not thinking we would be getting pregnant anytime soon and a month later, I got pregnant with Ella. My return to work never happened because of the attention I needed to give Ella…we need to save for other things.

We are in a time when I need to trust God ~~more than ever~~ just like always but it is so hard. Living without fear is a daily battle. The proper response is “God is in control” but really, that is exactly what I am afraid of. I know that God is refining me and refining hurts. I know he isn’t going to let me sail through life easy peazy and so instead of waiting with the anticipation of a child at Christmas time for what is next, I fear ever corner. What snags are lingering, what traps are set, where will I inevitably fall. It’s like in the movies – at the climax of the action when the heroine must conquer evil but must wait for just the right moment…..Wait for it…..wait for it….okay NOW!
Yeah, I am the one that would jump too soon, plummeting to failure.

Oh, for faith like a child. Jakob has just starting wanting to pray. Seriously, before a couple of weeks ago, all I could get out of him was a rhyme at best.
Now he prays for everything…and you know what….he is thankful for everything, or at least that is how he prays.
If I say, “make sure you pray that Ella will get better”, then he says, “thank you that Ella would get better.” There may be a comprehension gap there but I still think it is beautiful and something I can learn from. Not a sense of chance but a sense of expectation. I am so busy praying life will go according to plan that I sometimes forget to be thankful.
And yet I have sooooo much to be thankful for.

Big things are happening, one being that I am able to take the photography course I had talked about in one of my pity party posts. Soooooo excited! Revolutionary! I don’t know how to use Audrey. Not. one. clue. I play around with settings, okay, that looks good and shoot. Some are good, some aren’t. The course is taught by Ron Nickel. You may not recognize the name but if you get any Focus on the Family publications take a look at the photos…more than likely they are Ron’s. Amazing guy, phenomenal photographer.

So that brings me to FEBRUARY!!! Did I mention I LOVE February. It’s my birthday month and in my culture (princess culture) you get to celebrate your birthday ALL. MONTH. LONG! There is a tonne in store: The year of the Rabbit, dumplings, Mom, hearts, teddy bear picnics, birthdays, lots of pictures. (I have assignments each week and need lots of practice) and a whole lot of LOVE!