I confessed to someone yesterday that for probably the first time in this blog’s existence I do not feel that it is consistent with who am I right now. I am grasping (still) for inspiration, positivity and optimism. After I returned home from our Christmas vacation on the coast, I fell hard. The frozen tundra got me down, as did the lack of hope that comes with January’s lull. It’s cold…very cold, blustery, snowy, icy COLD. And with Christmas over there is little to look forward to. Spring here is MONTHS away – we’re talking May people. I can’t even guarantee you that we will have a snow-free Easter. The calendar is less than hopeful with a jam-packed schedule that does include any fun trips to the pumpkin patch, a ride on the Christmas train or even a day at the park.
And how are the resolutions going you ask?! I failed. I am doing anything but living without fear. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning and my nose is raw. I am worrying about things I have no idea about. I am questioning God’s faithfulness, His provision and His love for me. I FAIL.
For the past four days I have had a good old fashion pity party which climaxed today when I threw a tantrum which resembled a page out of my 3 year old’s book. And yet it was my 3 year old that came to the rescue. He came to me, gave me a big hug and said, “There’s nothing to be afraid about mommy.” He was helpless at the state of his distraught mother. You could tell he was thinking hard when he said somewhat to himself, ” I know, I will go to my room.” At that moment I frantically searched my memory to determine whether somewhere along the line he associated making me feel better by going to his room. I was relieved however, when he returned…..with Smurf.
I started writing this post a couple of days ago unsure as to whether I really wanted to share these thoughts with the world….and now that I have had a while to stew on it, I think I am okay. And here is why – because there is a lesson to be learned here. I have been racking my brain as to how to cheer up my dreary state. I have thought if only I could get a new funky chair, give a room a mini-makeover find something beautiful to tie me over (still a possibility). I have thought if only I had a NEW camera (yes, we’re still fighting: me and my Sony cybershot). If only there was a holiday closer than my birthday, which is at the end of February but lets face it, I will celebrate it all month long anyway. If only, if only, if only.
I lost sight of this One Beautiful Life. I lost sight of the little things. I lost focus on the beauty that is beheld in the mundane. I will never forget my 5 days in this one beautiful life because it forced me to change my perspective. And now…I need a jump start.
I need to stop looking outside for inspiration because a.) if I go outside my fingers might freeze and fall off and b.) I have two very inspiring little munchkins right here…..I love this picture and I love the way that Ella looks at Jakob. The way she always looks at Jakob. She adores him and I adore that they are such good friends already. Today, again, pulling everything out of its place, making forts, reading books and squeezing every ounce of love and fun from each day.
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