She reaches for her journal…
Last night I fought with God. The call was a heavy burden. It would be easy to abandon the call. Or perhaps “easy” is not the right word…attractive.
We continue to seek God’s guidance and discern his call.
We continue to try and discern what God is calling us to do.
Today, I feel empty. I have for a couple of days. I am tired, maxed out, broken.
I sit in the silence waiting for God, waiting to hear his voice. Does he get tired of my prayers? Because I do.
I feel a bit like I was playing a game of Marco-Polo with God and then he stopped playing.
I am so tired. My whole being is tired – my mind, my body, my soul. Last night, I was overcome by the feeling that I am fighting losing battles. Fighting for causes that will never be successful.
What would I say if I could?
Who would I want to listen?
What do I want them to change?
Am I afraid?
Am I tired?
We need to decide whether we will send Audrey back to school tomorrow. Jakob and Ella will be home for at least a week, maybe two. Numbers continue to be high. 57,000. 700 for every 100,000 in Bucks. The schools shouldn’t be open.
What are my intentions for 2021?
We wait to hear….
The drama persists and I wonder if it can be helped at this time. It needs time. It needs leadership.
These days are filled with wrestling.
I feel like I need to explain myself – at length, possibly in novel form.
I want to explain why we make choices that seem irrational, to explain a logic that the world has difficulty understanding.
What makes me think that anything will change – time, place, circumstance.
We are all just searching for happiness.
Didn’t anyone tell you that happiness is a choice?
There are so many birds out in the morning, calling to each other, singing their songs, I long to be like them.
I have been quite low the last couple of days. Despaired about staying, despaired about going – afraid to make the wrong choice, afraid to be made a fool.
There is a sinking as I realise the weight of what I am about to do. I pale as I consider what I have to live up to and the shoes I must fill. I don’t know if I can do it. Am I happy enough? Am I stable enough? Do I have enough love – genuine, authentic neighbourly love?
Today, I turn 39. I feel so old and am certainly not where I thought I would be.
It’s been one week of feeling good. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want the world to come crashing down on me. And I know what could cause it to – a response about Ben’s job application. They meet today. God be with them.