Sunday, April 22, 2012

Home, Bloom And My Baby's Blues

On Tuesday, it will be exactly three months until we fly "home". But where home will be, is still unknown. 
Ends are a different reality when there is no beginning to look forward to and this is the case for us. There is the lingering fear that come the end of July we will be unemployed and homeless…again. While we have a plan B, we hope for the best. We hope for opportunity, and we hope for a place that we can call home in a community where we can make life long friends, where my kids can make life long friends and where Ben can thrive, personally and professionally. I dream of a house that can create memories, facilitate gatherings of friends new and old and be a sanctuary. A place we can call our own- make our own.

I try not to invest too heavily in any prospect for fear of disappointment but it's hard and I have to catch myself picturing the moving van pulling into the house I have already scoped out and picked paint colours for. Then other times, I feel peace and I know it is because of those who pray on behalf of our family. So thank you, whoever you are.

We have always taken the road less travelled and at times, it can be lonely. I am understanding this even more as I read Bloom. I will write more about it later but let's just say, while Kelle Hampton has produced a beautiful book that has and will touch many people, she and I are very different people and sometimes I need to remind myself that that is okay.

Living in England has been very liberating for that reason. I am free to be who I am without judgement. I am moody and introspective, I prefer tea and a good book to dance parties and beer and I didn't wish Ella away when she was born, I didn't feel she stole any happiness and I didn't sob but then again, I didn't have hoards of people visiting me and don't have thousands of followers, so what does that say? So much... which maybe I will share about... one day.

Lots going on. Lots of thoughts. Lots to love and be excited about and lots of fear and insecurities too. A bit heavy for a Sunday night but tomorrow is the start of a new week. Jakob goes back to school and Ella has an Opthalmology appointment followed by Early support and the Paediatric Orthopaedic clinic on Tuesday. 

Aaahhh, routine, I find comfort in the constant rhythm of life. How about you? Do you find comfort in routine, or do you find it suffocating and confining? What beauty are you looking forward to this week?....besides these beautiful blues of course :)


Cindy said...

I do like routine to a point. I've tried to keep a schedule here at home but it's never lasted more than a week or two.

I haven't read Kelle's book yet but I know her and I are very different as well. I too prefer tea and a good book!

Kmarie said...

I understand what you mean but I would love to hear more some day regarding this subject and your perspectives on it. Kelle is very different. I have not read the book yet but I am interested to eventually...just kind of tired of the hype right now simply because I guess I like things the way they are in that regard. I prefer people before they become popular or famous. Even when it is good an element gets the advertising element I think we were all born with- purity and simplicity. It can still be attained in fame but not to a certain extent.. Anyway, I don't like change at all unless I am in control of it. But that is my autism speaking simply because of the sensory onslaught I am unprepared for...otherwise I find schedules confining and to do lists stifling ( unless I make them and then choose to break them...if someone else makes it for me you can bet that it will not get done until last minute:) So I would say I am a paradoxical mix. She is so cute in that picture. I hope you find home soon too wherever it is. Roots are nice. Even nicer when they involve people who love, beauty and acceptance as well as financial stability...sigh. I guess some come before others:)

April Vernon said...

I like routine and knowing what to expect but like to change things up a bit within that routine.

I just finished Bloom. I am anxious to hear your thoughts.

I am wishing you the best.

Sarah said...

I crave and love routine. Yes, some moments of spontaneity are wonderful, but I do love a schedule.
You and I are for sure soul sisters b/c I have never liked the party scene. I've tried a couple times...but, it just isn't me. A perfect evening is for sure a cup of hot tea (or occasional wine) and a book. I would always choose a trip to a more cultural venue as opposed to a cruise ship. And the older I get, the more I crave to stimulate my brain in that way.
I am VERY interested to hear your thoughts on the book. I saw it the other day at the store, but decided not to buy it. She is a beautiful writer, but...well, we can talk about is some other time. I much prefer the heart of Krista and have much more respect for Krista than a Kelle (although I am sure she is a lovely person. I'm not defaming her character). But like a trip to the museum, I will always enjoy the thoughts of Krista much more. ;)

Krista said...

Isn't that just it Cindy, even though routine may changed, there is a consistency with little ones that I find comforting.
Kmarie-There is a lot of hype, but whether I resent her for being the most popular girl in school or not, I choose to support because she is doing amazing things to raise awareness about DS. I have to give the girl props. Yes, I would say, especially for you, there is a complicated tension between predictability and the liberty of time.
April- I will post more soon, It's a quick read if I actually take the time.
Sarah- you know I love you. Let's always remember to remind ourselves that it's okay to not be the life of the party because there is something sacred in the intellect too!
Blessings, all, I really do ALWAYS appreciate the feedback and conversation.

Z said...

Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts on Kelle's book. I've been following her blog for over a year now. She's really inspiring in a lot of ways but you're right, there is a difference between you two. You not only have a beautiful story but you also have a passion to serve Christ and because of that, your story is giving God all the glory. And I love that.

motherofangels said...

Your views are always refreshing! It's Tea for me too! I haven't read Kelle's book, but I do often get annoyed when she talks about how tough it was in the beginning! Gag me! But then again, I didn't find Macy's diagnosis sad, I actually found it to be a compliment from God. Hope you are doing well!

Team Lando said...

Wow... her eyes are AMAZING.

Ya know, I just signed to go back to work in the fall. I think I missed that routine. (Oh, and I'm a special ed teacher, so my work is something I care about more now that I have Ellie.)

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