Said the Robin to the Sparrow

I had a first today, well Jakob had a first, and he did awesome. It may not seem like a big deal but considering we have been making trips into the Children's Hospital for 2 years now and never once has Jakob been to Emily's backyard, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get up the guts to put him in there. Emily's backyard is the childcare service available to siblings of patients.

We have so many wonderful people in our lives that are willing to babysit Jakob or come along and hang out with him that I have never had to use the service. I was totally apprehensive and felt like I was  sticking him in a childcare facility where he would get ignored and neglected. (Over-reacting? Okay, maybe a little). 

But he did great! No qualms going in (I may have told him he would get to pick out a car if he behaved himself) and he had a good report when I picked him up.

He even made a...Robin? with blue feathers.

Meanwhile, Ella's appointment was ho-hum. No change. She still has fluid in her ears which means she can't hear properly. We have an appointment with the ENT later this month and inevitably she will get tubes, whether it be here or in Cambridge is the question.

Since I am completely over fast-food I took left-overs and made use of the family room for lunch, which oddly enough, is also something I have never done.

Then it was off to the store to come through on my "incentive" for Jakob. All in all, a pretty great day, and since our appointment was at 11am instead of the 9am swimming that I am always late for, we didn't have to rush in the morning.

I am really trying to keep this time thing under control. It was a major challenge when we came home as we jumped right into our Church's Missions Conference for which we were providing all the music but I find even being aware of it is a step in the right direction.
I consciously stopped myself from rushing to get all the groceries put away this afternoon and took time to play with the kids outside. It's hard to accept not getting as much done in a day and I am sure I will let people down in this process, but I am learning. I am embracing the fact that my cellphone is out of batteries and the charger is on its way back from BC via snail mail and trying to maneuver through this CRAZY month.
Speaking of....
Ella's birthday is coming up on the 8th and I am at a loss. It seems that already there is no time for a party - everybody is too busy, too tired, too ______. And yet I CAN NOT let her 2nd birthday go by unnoticed. Anybody that knows me, knows that birthdays are a BIG deal.

This is when I miss having a house.

I have a feeling that stress will win this month despite my efforts but what else is there to do when I hold to the standards that I do. What gives? What are my priorities? And how do I balance those with commitments already made? How do I break this nasty habit of busyness? I am at a loss.

Said the robin to the sparrow,
“I should really like to know,
Why these anxious human beings
Rush about and worry so.”

Said the sparrow to the robin,
“Friend I think that it must be,
That they have no Heavenly Father,
Such as cares for you and me.”

~~Unknown Author

Time-a message from the edge of the world

As of late I have been learning a great deal about time.

What then is time? If no one asks me, I know: if I wish to explain it to one that asketh, I know not.
-St. Augustine

Consumed by the desire for time, I let it permeate my thoughts. I gave my mind over and let my stream of consciousness roll over the concept, the word, the peace until I caught a glimpse of understanding.
So many of us long for time: more time, time to rest, time to think, time to sleep, time to savour.

We cling to time, we grab it and try to squeeze out every second, every drip of a moment. We are driven by time,  and time drives us. We let time lord over us as we hurry, hurry, hurry.

We do not like to wait...for anything. While we must "take our time" we fail to grant the time required for those around us to learn, enjoy, grieve or play.

Because Western society praises the man who needs less time. Efficiency. Productivity.

If When Ella is ridiculed it will be because of time. Because she takes her time. She takes more time to observe, to process, to respond. She does not subscribe to the timeline of milestones mapped out by "professionals." She does not keep up and she does not succumb to busyness.

The chinese symbols which define busyness are translated "heart" "annihilation".
John Ortberg says, "Busyness creates a diminishing capacity to love." I feel it, I am there.

Timology- is not the study of time, but the theory or doctrine of values.

How appropriate. Is what we value reflected in how we allocate time? We can define it as a stage and claim its temporary state but as Annie Dillard says, How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

How am I spending my life?

How am I teaching my children to spend their life?

Take time and take care.

Take time to notice. Take time to enjoy. Take time to give thanks. We need to stop treating time as if we are on a shopping spree and we must accumulate as much as we can, as fast as we can for fear the clock will run out. But live with an eternal perspective. What is the hurry? 

Letting go of our present concept of time will be no easy feat however. For often, letting go of our current belief of how life should play out, requires grieving. When a parent is faced with the reality that their child may never become a lawyer or a doctor, get married or have children or subscribe to "What to expect in the First Year," mourning inevitably takes place. Releasing society's standards is profound and relinquishing time's hold on our lives would be counter cultural. 

I spent last weekend with individuals and parents of children who understand, perhaps not in full, but in part what this means. They, We celebrate being. Not for what I have done or what I will become... 

We have moved on and see beauty for what it is. The lives of our children may not turn out the way that we had pictured before they were born but they are beautiful nonetheless, and their lives are meaningful. You. Have. No. Idea. How seriously wonderful, how amazing, these individuals are.

God has made them in His time, for His purpose as He has each one of us.

Ella prefers to keep her own time. And if you pull her away from the sand and surf before she is ready, she'll let you know. She will walk when she is ready. She will talk when she is ready. She lives in the moment, and the moment is now. At the edge of the world, where time stands still.

How do I carry this feeling with me into the busyness of life? No matter. 

In this moment, I feel, I love, I am inspired. I can watch my children grow.

and learn, albeit, without agenda...

with wide-eyed wonder.

Each one of my children unique, with their own concept of time, and way of seeing the world.

We are given this One Beautiful Life: the earthly portion too short to spend hurrying.

Or without red rubber boots ;)

Nope, it never gets old. The sun never rushes to set, or hurries to rise but gives fullness to the time gifted.

Fumbling toward ecstasy...

ec·sta·sy/ˈekstəsē/Noun

1. An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement.

While I am not sure if ecstasy is the right word, fumbling definitely is. It will come. It will come if I let it. 

Friday was a good start. I went over to a friend's where I had a little pampering and a fresh coat of polish put on my fingers and toes. Then I headed out to the Ballet.

When I had gone to the dress rehearsal for the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver I was completely skeptical and uninterested but my brother was playing a part in it and had given me one of his free tickets. Needless to say, I was blown away....by one piece in particular. The members of the Alberta Ballet and Ballet BC danced to a song by Sarah McLachlan and my heart of stone melted. I think I may have even cried. So when I heard that she was working with Alberta Ballet to create a full Ballet I knew I had to go. I'll leave my in depth critique for those who want to hear it but I have to give a standing ovation to the producers, Sarah and the artists of Alberta Ballet for doing a great job and making Ballet relevant in such precarious times.

The next day it was Jakob's turn at wide-eyed wonder. A friend had given us tickets to A Day Out With Thomas. Thank you dear friend.

It was a little touch and go at first. I wondered if we would even make it on the train. My little dude is so brave on the inside and is so enthusiastic about life, but he knows his limits and sticks to them.

We were there with plenty of time before our train left so we so we took our time exploring Heritage Park for the first time. Most of the regular buildings and shops were closed, but one in particular was worth it all for Jakob. A huge model train display, complete with Radiator Springs. We watched the trains for almost a half hour before we convinced Jakob that there were other things just as exciting to see.

And when it came our turn to ride behind Thomas, Jakob was ready. He did great!

We finished off the day with a little puddle jumping, and then it was home to bed.

It is on days like Saturday that I love being a mom...I do. I know I don't talk about it a lot, or gush over all the little details, but I see them and I celebrate them. My children never fail to amaze me as I watch God shape their little hearts, as they learn about the world around them and as we celebrate big victories and little ones. And I guess I have discovered that this is what mother's day is about. Celebrating being a mom.
I didn't have the greatest day on Sunday and it is because of the expectation. I would rather there just not be a specific day that we celebrate moms, because not only should we celebrate everyday but when everyone celebrates on the same day then you have to read and hear about the all special treatment that everyone else gets on Mother's Day whilst you serve your kids up leftover chicken strips. Not only that but I would have truly liked to be there to celebrate my mom and grandma in person. I would have given anything to be able to sit and have Sunday tea with them as I think that is the best way to honour them.
Tea is a legacy. A legacy that they have instilled in their children and grandchildren. It is where we connect, laugh, love and cry (or we would if we weren't such a hard bunch). It is what I miss the most about not living near them. A loneliness never fails to set in at 3pm if I am alone, with no one to share tea.
My mom and my grandma are the heart of tea. They are the movers and the shakers of my life, the pillars, the examples, the mentors. I am so thankful for them. Happy Mother's Day.

Now getting on with my 1000 images...1000.  Do you think I can do it?

1000/2 Freshly painted pink

1000/3 Easing into morning

1000/4 Deliciously simple breakfast

1000/5 Acceptance to St. Edmunds College and one step closer to Cambridge

1000/6 First signs of Spring

1000/7 While smiles are plentiful, capturing them is harder than you think.

1000 images....

As a general rule I try to avoid books with numbers in the title. I also, however, like to read buzz books - I like to know what all the buzz is about and am a firm believer that I cannot make any sort of judgement on a book without knowing for myself what it says.

For this reason, I picked up a book recently that I had seen making a appearances on quite a few of the blogs that I follow...and with it - lists.

243. Clean sheets smelling like wind
244. Hot oatmeal tasting like home
245. Bare toes in early light



I found it helped diving into this book knowing that Voskamp is a writer for DaySpring (the christian line of Hallmark). Her genre is poetic and whimsical and completely unlike most of what I read.
I didn't just pick this book up however because there is buzz surrounding it. If you have read my blog throughout the winter you might have noticed that I have been going through a rough time. The winter has left wounds and scars which will take time to heal. Call it transition, call it the weather: I sunk to a place I don't often visit.
The most despised line that was delivered during this bleak time was, "you'll be stronger when it is all over." Well guess what. I knew it was entirely possible that I would not be stronger but rather more bitter, resentful and cold. I've seen it. I have seen women who walk through life, dragging their bitter baggage.
So last friday, after I handed over the keys to my once home, I decided to take an intermission. Some would say we are starting a new chapter, well...first, I would like to take an intermission.
For the next few months, I will relinquish control, I will abolish the expectations that I hold myself to,  let live and do things that are completely out of character: like read a book with a number in the title written by someone who writes sympathy cards for living (I don't know if she actually does that). At least it doesn't say "self-help" on the back.

Anyway, in the book Voskamp (her name is Anne: it sounds more suited to the subject) describes her desire for a full life and in studying the eucharist discovers that at the heart of the breaking of the bread, there is joy, grace and thanksgiving.

"I would never experience the fullness of my salvation until I expressed the fullness of my thanks in every day, and eucharisteo is elemental to living the saved life."


And thus begins her lists. She reasons that to name something is to give it meaning and so she puts words to the blessings she sees in her everyday life.

 I balked at the idea of making such a list but thought it might be a good...stretching exercise anyway. I read through the first three chapters, skeptical, and closed until it occurred to me, just today, what she was doing. She was artistically personalizing what she knew to be true in a language that made sense to her....hmmmm, that wasn't very clear....
I, personally, probably would not create such a list: I might if I was desperate. I use words, but differently. There are some who can speak romance into a pile of dog poo, I however, cannot. While I use words to express myself, I would not be true to myself if I romanticized poo. I see beauty in words, but real, true words that accurately represent their subject.

Through the lens however....
I find it easier to see beauty through a lens. A photograph is an image representing exactly what I see....and what I see is beautiful. Take this post for example. It's the one the started it all.
That is all Anne is doing.

So.

For fear of commitment, I will merely suggest that I might just try to make my list. 1000 gifts. Photographic documentary style... Starting with #1.

A Very Late Easter Post: Photographic Documentary style.

I miss water.