Cupcakes

There are times when I feel as though I live in a world full of perfect people. Well, perfect people, TODAY I MADE CUPCAKES OUT OF  A BOX! We all have ideals and a lot of ideals live here. Homemade soup, hand sewn dresses, salads fresh from the garden, 4 children, a minivan and a partridge in a pear tree. We have this picture in our heads of how our lives should look. In Vancouver, it would be 1.5 children, an SUV and a house on the beach. And isn't it funny how those "individuals" who claim to be unique and anti-institutional are more-often than not, simply subscribing to another label (emo, goth, Oprah).
I remember thinking, just after my parents got divorced, and for a long time after that, how all I wanted was to be "normal". You know, "normal"- a mom, a dad, family vacations, 1 maybe 2 christmas's, summers at home-one home. I thought about how when I grew up, that is what I wanted for my children: "normal". So I came home from college (first time) and started dating an accountant...now how much more normal can you get than that? We would go to Stanley Park, and among the lazy crowd watching the cricket match, he would play his guitar while I read Oprah's latest pick. We would go for sushi and long walks on the beach. I would meet him after a busy night at KPMG and we'd go for coffee. The only problem was, that in the midst of this romance (if you could even call it that at all-I was less than attracted to the actual guy) I realized that I didn't want to know what my life was going to look like for the next 40 years...So I went back to bible college and married a musician.
We were getting settled, paying back student loans, building EH-Quit-Tee, and decided to move back to Three Hills where we could be "normal" for a while. Our daughter comes along and we are complete- mom, dad, son, daughter, dog, Subaru wagon...perfect with one little chromosomal imperfection.
Normal. That word was not meant for me. But I am okay with that. I have always had a unspoken rule in my life that if the thought of doing something makes me uncomfortable, I do it, for the reason that gradually it will become comfortable. So that maybe eventually, no matter what lies before me, I will be comfortable enough in my own skin to embrace and conquer the challenge. For example, going to a class full of people I don't know, and learning something new. Befriending the friendless. Singing in public. Raising a child with Down Syndrome.

Have you met Ella? She may not be "normal", but she is perfection.

My Happy Place

Today, I felt defeated before the day was half over. Fear got the best of me. And like most fear, it was of something that hadn't even happened yet - the unknown. I felt warm tears pool more than once triggered by no more than a song or a sight and for those who know me at all, know I rarely cry.
The funny thing is that my happy place didn't even occur to me until I was reading someone else's post about their happy place. Usually, when I am having a rough day, or a moment when all I want to do is run away and hide, my happy place bitterly and sweetly, shadows over whatever is bringing me down. When Ella was born, all I wanted to do was take her to that place, because there, everything is perfect, and calm and beautiful.

Here's the thing though, my happy place exists only in my mind. Since I imagined it for the first time, I have found places that resemble it, but I can never physically go there. There is a warm fire crackling in the big stone fire place, Miles and Ella keep me company and the coffee is always fresh. It is something between Lily Point in Point Roberts WA and Tafino. I'm a west coast girl, what can I say. (Insert wise remark about enjoying the moment) but really I look to June when we rest.

To Work or Not to Work

Tis the question that has been weighing on my mind for oh, 10 months now. It is the great debate and when you live in a town such as Three Hills, it becomes all the more confusing because it is weighted so heavily to one side.

On the working side:
I enjoy working outside of the home. I like dressing up in work clothes, putting on makeup and going to an office where I can check my email without a naked little boy climbing up onto my lap with orange juice hands making a mess of my computer screen. I can talk on the phone or meet with clients without saying excuse me to wipe a bum or grab a quiet snack. I like to know stuff. I am a "know-it-all". I like to know how to do things, especially when there is a clear right and wrong way. Not like punishment, or Godly child rearing, or getting your baby to sleep. I also like making money. Call it selfish, call it what you want but I do. For the first few years of our marriage while Ben was going to school, I was the primary income, and glad to do it. I like being a provider, bringing home cheques to pay for the delectable food I wanted for dinner. I like the feeling and I like the fruits. I like talking to other adults and being a very active, visible part of the community in which I live.

On the home side:
I love being home and sometimes feel guilty at the simple indulgence that it brings. I can keep my house fairly spotless, play with my kids, go for walks, sew, cook, create. If I am not feeling well, I can stay in my pajamas and put on a movie for the kids to watch while I lay on the couch (ps-it never happens this way, but we're talking in theory here). I can make bread, or cookies, or whatever I want....except if I don't make the money to buy the ingredients I need to make the visions that dance in my head when I can't sleep at night. I also love being with my kids. I miss them when I am not, but this is selfishness more than anything. There is also the argument that the first 5 years are so important in a child's development, but to be honest, I don't really know what this means, or the scientific calculations behind it, or under what home situations this applies.

So what will it be? One would say, well work at home. Fair enough, but a.)what do you do that brings in an income substantial enough to count it as worth it. Most moms that work at home have cottage industries, which I am all for but does the compensation really meet the time involved? Time that could otherwise be spent with your kids. Which brings me to b.) some parents are home but fail to be present for their children and quite frankly, their children would be better off with the stimulation received from a daycare. And then there is the blunt question of whether you can look at a child and say "wow, you can really see the affects of their mother working outside of the home!"
I don't know, how much does it matter? What is better? At what point do you "need" then income. (this is always my argument- yes I could not work and live in a one bedroom shack and eat only mr. noodles but really, maybe I should just work instead)

Easter

I love Easter and I wish that it was a bigger deal to the rest of the world, or at least the Christian world because it really is the crux of our faith.

Crux: from the Latin for Cross
1. a vital or decisive stage, point, etc. (often in the phrase the crux of the matter)
2. a baffling problem or difficulty
3. Mountaineering the most difficult and often decisive part of a climb or pitch
4. a rare word for cross

Wow, I would love to unpack this when my head is not so fuzzy.

As I was saying though, I was so looking forward to Easter Sunday: hearing a beautiful Easter message full of the gospel truth and hope, celebrating salvation with family and having some fun too. Instead, I spent Sunday morning at the hospital trying to get some antibiotics for Strep Throat. It is funny how these things happen. Regardless, we did have a good afternoon with family and my Ella could not have been more beautiful! And just like Christmas, even though Easter has come and gone, this is no reason to stop dwelling on the sacrifice made by our Savior. Christ is Risen, He is risen indeed!

Pictures are courtesy of Jason Ewert Photography...sorry I had to steal them to share, I hope you don't mind.

Then came the day...

of Unleavened Bread on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed. Jesus sent Peter and John, saying, "Go and make preparations for us to eat the Passover."
"Where do you want us to prepare for it?" they asked.
He replied, "As you enter the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him to the house that he enters, and say to the owner of the house, 'The Teacher asks; Where is the guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?' He will show you a large upper room, all furnished. Make preparations there."
They left and found things just as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover.
When the our came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God"
After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes."
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is whith mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him." They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this.

It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
The evening meal was being served and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that th eFather had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was rapped around him.
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
"No, " said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet."
Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."
"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not everyone one of you." For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not everyone was clean.
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord' and rightly so, for that is waht I am. Now that I , your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I ahve done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

New International Version. Luke 22:7-23 John13:1-17