Love...

Jakob, a heart symbolizes love. Who do you love? Do you love Ella?

Yeah

Do you love Mommy?

Yeah

Do you love daddy?

Yeah

Who else do you love?

Jakob

Who else?

Grandpa

Who else?

Grammy

Who else do you love?

I love cars.

My Two Blue Eyed Babies

Blue eyes...apparently they didn't get the memo that they are chinese!

Well on Monday Jakob, Ella and I leave for the coast. We are so excited to be out of the frozen tundra and see friends and family - but mostly I am excited to show off my beautiful children.

Last week we met the speech language pathologist here in Three Hills. The Down's clinic at ACH used to have one however they left and the position is yet to be filled. Don't you love the Canadian Health Care system right now. At any rate, the Speech therapist was very happy with Ella and excited to see her alert, making sounds, moving her mouth and interacting to verbal cues. I will be interested to see how Ella does because Ella is not Jakob and although every child is different they all tend to cry, go through a squealing phase and giggle in a distinctive baby way. Ella cries maybe once a week, she doesn't squeal and her laugh is kind of a coughing sound - you definately know she is laughing but it is a much different sound. And when she speaks she does this vocal fry type thing, similiar to a groaning, or she sounds like a cat howeling. I think she does this because a.) this is how she first learned to make sound, and therefore that is what she knows how to do or b.) the shape of her mouth keeps her from keeping her tongue down, which is required for a clearer sound. No matter, she can hear, (did I mention that the audiologist said that both ears look normal) and she speaks, holds conversations and responds appropriately to our gestures and cues.

On The Menu

I am quite excited for this week in a strange, masochistic way. I hope however that my kitchen with be filled with wonderful tastes and smells and that I will be pleasantly surprised by new recipes. Here is what is on the menu...

Tuesday Mom's Group - we have two celiacs as well as a nursing mom who can't have soy or dairy. I love the challenge so I will be making gluten free almond blueberry cake, thank you Trish and Canadian Living, as well as dairy free pumpkin bread.

Wednesday I hope to make new friends over dinner with vegetarian lasagna, fresh homemade bread and Caesar salad.

Thursday-We will be hosting 2 members of the cast of Second bloom for Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. We will be having the two with dietary restrictions, one being vegetarian and one "preferring organic"- simple enough.

My fridge will be stocked with:

Blueberry crumb cake

Banana chunk bran muffins

My favorite chocolate cake- I have to fit it in there somewhere. Any excuse to make it.

Lentil Soup

Homemade bread

Layered Margarita Pizza

Pear and Brie Quiche

Thursday night we will have the whole cast for dinner and serving an Indian spread (with the Mal's help) of Lentil Dal, Butter Chicken, Brown Basmati rice, Gobhi and Chapatis

And Sunday morning, because for once we aren't on worship I think a waffle spread is in order. Yum Yum.

Dance...

I think I need to start dancing again. I find myself in this strange place where my week is VERY full...with music. This probably has something to do with who I am married to but I am not a musician. I am a dancer. Dancing was my solace from the time my parents got divorced until I went to college. It is the one place I feel truly free. And although I love singing, there is apprehension because, as I say, I am not a musician. I want to dance to this song...it needs to be danced to.
"The very act of including our bodies [in healing] of bringing body and soul together in the life of faith, is an incarnational act of healing, one that begins to mend this long division between body and soul. We are invited to live life more deeply, authentically, and allow God to touch our very bones. In this way we proclaim that we know a Creator who is interested in all of our being, who made us whole, redeems us as whole, and will someday resurrect us whole."
Celeste Snowber, Embodied Prayer

Beauty

In the same way the life of love is hidden, but its hidden life is in itself motion and has eternity within itself. Just as the quiet lake, however calm its surface, is actually flowing water, since there is the gushing spring at the bottom - so also love, however quiet it is in its concealment, is flowing nevertheless. But the quiet lake can dry up if the gushing spring ever stops; the life of love, however, has an eternal spring. This life is fresh and everlasting. No cold can freeze it - it has too much warmth within itself for that; and no heat can weaken it - it is too fresh in its coolness for that. But hidden it is, and when the Gospel speaks about the recognizability of this life by its fruits, this above all does not mean that we should alarm and disturb this hiding place, that we should devote ourselves to observation or to searching self-scrutiny, which only "grieve the spirit" and hinder growth.

Soren Kierkegaard, Works of Love

Christmas, catching up and comforts

Well, Christmas has come and gone. Jakob is two and a half and Ella is 7 months already. Can you believe it? If you told me a year ago that I would have a child with Down Syndrome, I probably would have cried and been beside myself. It's not so scary now. I fear this contentment that I found - you know when things are going just a little too well?

Ben is still working at the Arts Academy and enjoying it very much. Come this spring he will be conducting Faure's Requiem, which he is very excited about. It is a beautiful work and will serve to some degree as an audition piece for a masters program which we hope to begin exploring in the near future. He will also be playing the Beast in the Three Hills Arts Academy Spring musical and I will be Belle. So mark your calendars for May13th-23rd and come take in a show, then babysit our kids for the other nights you don't go.

Jakob is really unbearably cute. The other night his grammy had set out some apple slices and dip for him. He sticks his whole face into the bowl of dip emerging with white goup all over his nose and mouth and exclaims "Delicious!" His cars are his one true love but he makes good use of his new train table that he received for Christmas. And we are so close to potty training I can almost taste it...well not really, that would be gross.

Ella is my joy. She is my ever tolerant, ever adorable, amazing little girl. She wowed the physiotherapist in November. Physically, you almost wouldn't know there was a delay. She can sit with support, roll over (she has been doing that since the day she was born) and loves to stand. Her hearing test just before Christmas showed that both ears look normal and as far as they can tell she can hear well. She has started solids and is wondering where real food has been all this time. She really is amzing, you would have to meet her to know that I am not exaggerating when I say she is the most content baby that I have ever come across.

As for me, well as I say, things are going well. My attitude is a daily choice but circumstances help me find joy. I am working at the tea house in town and loving it. I just cook, and cooking is one of my life's true joys - it settles my soul. I find comfort in my kids, my husband, company, reading the Word, reading other peoples words, tea, cooking, a clean house, a morning's first cup of coffee, walks and sharing my life with you.

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The Lessons That I Didn't Learn

I have no idea when I wrote this....nor do I have any idea of what paragraph one has to do with paragraph two.

There have been many situations in my life where many a good lessons could have been learnt. I however, failed to learn those valuable lessons and in return the dark cloud of bitterness that rains despair over every part of my life swelled like a giant balloon. Everybody shares about those key moments in life because they are the reason there life was changed.
The truth is, I wish sometimes that I could be completely independent, not have to rely on anyone, even if it is a low scale kind of life. Perhaps this would allow me just to enjoy the thrill of life...(minus the people for the most part). the trick is though, life is people. You can watch it go around, happening all around you which is what I often end up doing but to really experience it, people are required. What is life? Is it the trees, the birds, the course of nature? Or is it something more than that. It is spiritual? Deeper than just the busy streets, the complexity of commerce. Is it the people being a part of and enjoying all of these things? Can life exist without people? Not at all. Pro-life, new life, birth, death, all of which imply life...existence. Does this mean living, life-living? We then have to ask ourselves, " Can we control life?" Anything that has life, what has life? Anything that is living? That grows? Or more deeply has a soul? Do trees have life? We try to control DNA, chemical balances. Is this need for control inhibiting our experience of life? Perhaps we see these things as good because they are necessary in this box we have placed ourselves in...in the world. Could it be that the world has truly given into the need to have control? Every single person? Is some amount of control necessary? What is the natural order of things? how can God maintain the natural order of things when so many people and or circumstances require control? Is his will still done?

I do know that I have always struggled with relying on other people for my wellbeing. The other always seems to be absent when I am low and need an invite to tea, an encouraging word, or accountability. Because the fact of the matter is that you cannot rely on people and that is why God calls us to rely on Him. But here is the catch, although we are not called to rely on other people, who are still on earth struggling with a sinful nature, without them we cannot fully know Him because salvation is communal. Timothy Keller, in his book The Prodigal God talks about how the feast is not meant to be eaten alone and we cannot truly know a person until we see them interact with other people, likewise with Jesus. We can know God better, and be encouraged by what He is doing in other people's lives. And this will bring us joy in life...in living.
( I write this mostly trying to convince myself - it will come, I am sure)

I just read Kim's blog, I take my last line back.

Going WAY back

Do you ever look back at journals or photos and realized how little you have changed. Essentially you are the same person you always were, despite what the mirror tells you. I wrote this in 1999. For as long as I can remember I have wrestled with God, my purpose and a coming to grips with who I am. And for 10 years, it seems, have carried the same fears...

If you don't tell anyone I'll tell you what I'm afraid of...
i am afraid it will hurt i'm afraid you'll take control i'm afraid i'll lose control i'm afraid to be used i'm afraid people will make fun of me i'm afraid i'll have to share i'm afraid people will see the real me i'm afraid people will see my feelings i'm afraid people won't like me i'm afraid people will listen to me i'm afraid you'll speak to me i'm afraid of failure i'm afraid i'll give up i'm afraid people won't listen to me i'm afraid to let go i'm afraid i won't have fun i'm afraid i will have fun i'm afraid to give up i'm afraid to try i'm afraid to love i'm afraid to be loved.

This is only the tip of the ice berg, but there is this continual theme that I do NOT like to be vulnerable, nor transparent. I suppose this is one element of this Blog exercise. Here it is friends, family and ENITRE internet community. My soul for all to see.

New Personal Blog

I love to write about my family for those who like to follow, however, I have started a new web publication ( I think it sounds so much nicer than BLOG) for my own personal thoughts. I will continue to sporatically post updates here but for a glimpse into mind of Krista you can go here.

The Hymnal

Written probably about 3 and a half years ago...

Tonight, I took out the old blue hymn book...singing the hymns that I knew, at least the first parts of them, but not too loud as somebody might hear me. I could feel myself forgetting and it is at times like these that I feel that so many of my wounds go deeper than the tough rubbery scars that are on the surface. Have you ever noticed that scars replace whatever fingerprints or previous markings that you once had. I cut my thumb once, trying to open a jack knife, I had to be no older than 10 and I have had a scared fingerprint ever since. Where I had my appendix taken out, if I touch my skin, I can't feel anything. But every once and a while I will feel a sharp pain, and I am reminded of that part of me which is no longer there. So many of those hymns I knew off by heart. My Grandpa would sing them around the house and the young people would complain and say they wanted more contemporary music. I guess really these songs disappeared long ago, when the choir was replaced with a worship band but it is even more a reality now, when I stare at the pages of our new Red hymnal and know none of the songs. On top of which there is no music to read. It's as if they expect you to know all the tunes off by heart as if I'd grown up in that church.

But the fact is I didn't and the church in which I grew up doesn't exist anymore. The people are different, the attitude is different, and my heart is different. Where once there was a zeal for knowledge and passion for growth there is now a bitter scar. I can't say what it was that left the mark but its there. And in fear of making myself out to be a martyr, I finally left. I don't even know whether it matters what made the mark or when it happened. I don't know what to do with these feelings and I don't know how to make them go away.

Somehow, I have managed to loose contact with any part of my former life. That church was my life. It's where my family was and my friends. I knew who I was and what I stood for. I now mourn for everything and everyone I had.



I probably wrote this when Ben began working at St. David's, an Anglican church in the lower mainland. I didn't know any of the hymns they sang, or if I did, they were a different tune. And the church that I spoke of growing up in was South Delta Baptist, which at the time, I was glad to leave. It still breaks my heart to think about what it was and what it is now. I am sure that many people are blessed there but my family has been hurt deeply by this church, most recently by the "letting go" of my uncle who was a faithful volunteer there for longer than I have been alive and most recently in a more formal capacity on the pastoral staff.

But I will say this, although, as I said, the scars will always be there, they are fading. Being at Prairie Tab has especially helped. The uniqueness of Three hills seems to preserve the spirit that I knew as a child. The preaching is exegetical, we sing hymns and although we have become more disconnected as a society there is still an element of community. My passion for the word has returned, so much so, that I long for satisfaction through deep study and I have to force myself to say no to ministry even though I would love to do it all.
But regardless of where I am personally, all of my "church experience" always begs the question of what is God doing in our churches (or the universal church) and how does it all point to his return?

Kaleidoscopes

I have a love-hate relationships with kaleidoscopes, as I do with the colour purple but for entirely different reasons. I love the way that kaleidoscopes can take the mundane and turn it into an array of colour and design. The plain suddenly becomes the exciting, full of intricate detail and interesting shapes. On the other hand, I hate kaleidoscopes because they make the simply beautiful into a complicated chaos - kind of like my life. Often times, I feel as though I view the world through a kaleidoscope - turning regular thoughts and behaviors into a complex Picasso. And I wonder if I do it to make myself feel important or unique, or if I am just genuinely messed up. I heard a line in a movie once and I have never really been able to shake it off. In a time of despair the character explains, "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" The thing is, I wish I could find myself in a book because I have never read a book that doesn't resolve by fulfilling its intended purpose. The author always has a point. There is always an idea of lesson that is to be understood. I can't say that I have ever walked away from a book and been able to say that I didn't get something out of it, except of Richard Scary or Where's Waldo. When I read a book I always have at the forefront of my mind ideas about what the author is trying to elucidate. What are they trying to tell me, as their reader. Lessons are shared and ideas are explained through the development of characters, setting and plot, even if it isn't a very good one. Perhaps, if I saw myself as part of an epic story I would stop seeing life through a kaleidoscope. Books always have an order: a logical series of events that help the author organize their thoughts and best communicate their message. It is well thought through as their world is created as opposed to a kaleidoscope which is too often, just a mangled representation of the simply beautiful.

I wrote this probably 3 years ago, but as I was rereading it, I found myself in the same conundrum. A friend recently spoke of how this year she was going to abide in God and I commented on how I don't know how to abide in a simple state of being. I have never wanted to be one of those people that thrives on crisis, but the fact of the matter is that I cope better in crisis than I do in a state of being. Perhaps this year is also, for me a year to simply Abide and abiding is not getting stuck on the lens of a kaleidoscope.

"Abide in me, as I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he is it that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
John 15:1-11

Welcome 2010

A little while ago, I was going through all the documents on my hard drive and came across many, what I call Ramblings - about life, love and the pursuit of truth.

At my wedding, my maid of honor in her speech, said that I pursued truth like nobody she knew. Three weeks later, after I returned from my honeymoon, she told me that she couldn't be friends with me anymore. To this day, 5 years later, I still don't know why, but if it was because I pursue truth, than I choose truth.