Saturday, July 25, 2015

Stay Alive

She cried and cried. What started out as forced turned into big real red-faced tears. She didn’t want to go to sleep. I sang to her, I stroked her hair, I eventually took her downstairs to watch tv. Ben took over and at 11:45pm Ella finally drifted off to sleep. A battle of the wills? Perhaps. But this momma knows it is more. She says, “Edmonton House”. She likes it. She is glad to have her cars back and is eager to go for walks to the park just up the street, play on the swings and go down the slide but it’s been a lot of transition for a little girl – it’s been a lot of transition for a big girl.


I didn’t want to come.  I wrote,

This is happening. All the tearful nights, fear, and heartbreak culminate today when we drive to the next place I will call home. And yet, I don't want to call it home. I have no home. I am grateful that I am not homeless and yet...and yet.

When we left Cambridge, I thought life would end. I didn't want to face the next chapter. I knew it would be hard. And it was. The last three years were even harder than I had imagined. I made it though, but part of me wished that I hadn't. I fear the next chapter will be even worse yet.

The brick wall that I keep around my heart has gotten taller and stronger. It is there to protect me from breaking completely. It is necessary. I walk tired, weak and empty to the next place. I put one foot in front of the other and hope one day to find an oasis.

Now, we are here. I put my clothes away in drawers where they will stay not for a week nor a month but possibly, for three years. I drive the streets knowing that the unfamiliar will soon become familiar. I search for beauty and for gratitude but the chaos of moving keeps my heart tight and my breath shallow.

We walk on.

Today, we went to the Old Strathcona Farmers’ Market. I think I will find this place a comfort. Not far from our house, it speaks a language I understand– fresh, local, organic produce, preserves, honey, baked goods, and good 'ole Menno sausage.



The goal – get to know them all. The challenge – sample product from every vendor. Today’s purchase – honey. Served on a piece of home-baked bread, it was lovely.


From there we headed over to Churchill Square. In the summer this square serves as a free little wading pool, while in the winter it is an outdoor rink. That's fun.




There's a rhythm in rush these days
Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade
Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams
In a world gone shallow
In a world gone lean

Sometimes there's things a man cannot know
Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow
There's no place to run and no gasoline
Engine won't turn
And the train won't leave

Engines won't turn and the train won't leave

I will stay with you tonight
Hold you close 'til the morning light
In the morning watch a new day rise
We'll do whatever just to stay alive
We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write
It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies
There is a truth and it's on our side
Dawn is coming
Open your eyes
Look into the sun as the new days rise

And I will wait for you tonight
You're here forever and you're by my side
I've been waiting all my life
To feel your heart as it's keeping time
We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Dawn is coming
Open your eyes

Look into the sun as the new days rise
There's a rhythm in rush these days
Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade
Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams
In a world gone shallow
In a world gone lean

But there is a truth and it's on our side
Dawn is coming open your eyes
Look into the sun as a new days rise


Kinda my theme song these days. 
From a movie called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. 
Check out the song on Youtube: José Gonzalez | Stay Alive


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